My Success In Co-parenting
I hear so many horrible tales from friends about growing up in broken families. I know a lot of people out there who are struggling to figure out how to raise kids in a split home. My daughter’s mom and I are the lucky ones. We are the standard bearers for how to do it. It isn’t all luck though. Its takes two people who are dedicated to putting their child first to pull it off. I started off writing this blog, thinking I wanted to draft a how-to guide on successfully navigating the difficulties of raising a child in a split home. I don’t know if I am qualified to do that. I am not a developmental psychologist or a counselor. I am just a man doing his best. But I can share my experiences, and hopefully there is something in my story that can help those of you out there who are struggling with navigating how to do it.
Sometimes, OK pretty much all the time, life doesn’t turn out the way we imagine it should. The perfect picture we have for our lives, and the kind of families we are going to create, doesn’t end up being our reality. I have had a poor run of maintaining successful relationships. Luckily, my first marriage did not produce a child. The union ended painfully, and for several years following the divorce, I was a train wreck. I don’t blame her, I was not showing up as a man worth spending a life with. The shell of a person that was left following that experience would not have been capable of successfully co-parenting. I did not love myself and was full of resentment, anger, self-loathing, and bitterness that lead to years of depression, alcohol abuse and poor life choices. Maybe, had there been a child in the equation during that phase of my life, I would have made better choices. I can only speculate.
A few years passed, and another relationship presented itself. It was full of early passion. It felt like it was going to be the kind of connection that could endure the greatest tests that life could throw at it. We partied, traveled, went to concerts and music festivals, had an amazing network of friends, bought pets to share and dreamed of making a family. With hundreds of friends present, we tied the knot. Everyone saw us as an ideal couple. But we weren’t ready. I needed years of counselling and self-work. My sense of self-worth was fragile from enduring the infidelities of my previous brief attempt at marriage. I was not the man I needed to be to have a successful relationship. She had her own issues, but out of respect, they will remain hers to share. Within a year, our union was in a crisis. We separated for a while, came back together in good faith that we could work things out. We decided to have a kid. Hastily bought a house. Maybe we deluded ourselves that the added responsibility and symbolic dedication of creating a family would help save our marriage. Everything fell apart again.
It was hard. I was angry. The divorce was not pretty. We fought quite a bit. We had a 19-month-old baby and I was devastated. I knew the marriage was flawed. I was flawed. We were flawed. I wanted a different life for my daughter that she was now not going to have. I remember being so emotionally distraught. I held on to this illusory faith that things would work out. They didn’t.
Ultimately, that beautiful child could not save our marriage. But individually, she did save us. We are both really good people and we made an early promise to each other that she was going to come first. We were determined that our little girl was going to have that idyllic life where she would have two parents who came together as a team to give her the best life we could manage. With all of those fresh feelings that persist in the aftermath of a divorce, I read every article I could find online about successful co-parenting. Redefining my life as a single father and finding the path to healing from it all has been the hardest thing I have done in my life. I am still working on it.
I GOT HELP and worked hard on myself
Before my divorce was finalized, I had already developed a good relationship with a counselor. If you are recently divorced or separated and facing sharing custody of your children, you need counseling. Don’t think you have this all figured out and that you are above it. You are not.
After a separation with someone you have children with, it is critically important to get over all of the pain and trauma you have endured. All of those lingering feelings are going to be standing in the way of being able to have a healthy conversation with your ex about shared co-parenting goals. If you cannot be in the same room as them and are seething with anger, successfully co-parenting is not going to be possible. I don’t care how badly they screwed you over, you need to get over it ASAP. A lifetime of happiness for your child is at stake. Get the help you need, come to terms with your feelings, and move on.
Right out of the gate, my counselor encouraged me to start exploring being a better man. I began exercising regularly, joined a yoga studio, worked on losing weight, and made time to get into the great outdoors with my friends. Meditation became a daily practice. I took a month or two off from drinking so I could have a clear head and react to my feelings in a healthier way. I spent some time exploring hobbies I had abandoned during my marriage. Within a couple months of my divorce being finalized, I felt like a completely different person. I was happy. I started to love myself in ways I never had before. The resentment I had for my daughter’s mom was replaced with the realization of how far I had come in such a short time. My anger faded away. Breakups can be an incredible motivator. Use the time for self-reflection and do something wonderful for yourself. Become a better person.
We sat down and discussed our goals
Forgiveness allowed us to sit down and have honest discussions about how we wanted to raise our daughter. We talked about what kinds of values we wanted to instill in her. My daughter’s mom was passionate about breastfeeding, and I was adamant about having my daughter half the time, so we had to compromise. For a time, I allowed her to come over and feed her daughter at my home. I lugged pumped breast milk around and kept a stock of it in my deep freeze. When we made our custody exchanges, we would talk about how things were going. If there was something that our kid needed, we discussed it.
Keep the conversation going. Yes, at times you will want a break and to be left alone. Without a doubt, your ex is going to annoy you. But the more you are able to talk, the better things will be in the long run. Early on, we rarely talked on the phone, but we texted frequently. If the baby was sick, I would get constant updates. If she said or did something funny, I let her mom know. We went to doctor appointments together. We shared midnight emergency room visits. Facing a life knowing you will only get to be there for half of your kid’s childhood is depressing. Share as many of the special moments as you can. Remember that your ex is also suffering. Both parents end up feeling left out when a kid shares two homes.
Yes, it was hard, and at times it still is. We did set boundaries. It took a long time before we reconnected on social media. To this day, our mutual friends weigh if they should only invite one or the other of us to house parties and potlucks. We kept our dating interests to ourselves and initially kept most of our personal lives out of the dialog. But it has gotten better with time and we are friends again.
Our Custody arrangement is flexible
Being a man, I am fortunate to have 50/50 shared custody of my child. It was something I demanded. It is also something my ex wanted me to have. We have a set schedule, and we use a shared google calendar so we know where she needs to be. I love the time I have with my daughter and it is important to me to have that time. The time she has with her mother is also a blessing for me. It allows for a social life outside of my parental responsibilities. We have our set dates and it works for us. We make it a point though, that if one of us wants her on a date that is not ours, for whatever reason, we try to accommodate. Holidays are tough sometimes. But we work through it. If one of us sick, or needs to be out of town, we step up for each other. If I need to take off work early to pick up my daughter from school, I try to make it work. If there is a party that the both of them have been invited to, I allow it. When my family has a Saturday dinner not on my weekend, I ask for that time. If you and your ex are struggling with these arrangements, take a step back and ask yourself what is in the best interest of your child. How your kid spends their time should not be about what is best for the parents. Prioritize the importance of the experiences your child is having. Childhood is precious. Every person deserves to have amazing memories from their childhood. If your pride is robbing those experiences from your kids, then you are not being a good co-parent. Also, the goodwill you offer your parenting partner when stepping up goes a long way in building a working arrangement.
My ex has chosen a profession that allows her a great deal of flexibility in her schedule. My career does not. So, while it is not my intention to call her out with praise, I am very fortunate that she is able to take on the daily responsibility of handling school drop offs. I have mostly been unable to make it to vaccination appointments. I am rarely needed for picking my daughter up from school. I leave my kiddo at her mother’s house on my mornings on the way to work. So, she takes care of breakfast, dressing the child, and manages all of the morning rituals. While, from the outside this sounds like a great arrangement for myself, I carry a great deal of guilt in not being able to be present for my daughter in this capacity. Last week, I dropped my child off at school for the first time this school year. As I walked away from the school, I was overcome with tears of remorse for not being a part of my child’s mornings. It is hard, but what is important is that my daughter’s needs are being met. And they are.
Don’t talk shit about your ex in front of your child
This is so important. I am sure my daughter has heard me complain about her mom a few times. I am human. I mess up sometimes. It happens in healthy marriages too. However this is something I have been very mindful about. I want my daughter to know her parents are a united front. This is why I began this article with the importance of working on yourself and getting counseling and moving beyond your negative feelings. So often, I hear stories of terrible things other divorcees say to their children about their other parent. It hurts your child! Cut it out! If my family starts a conversation about my co-parent and I sense it going south, I cut it off. My daughter never needs to hear that crap.
If you have grievances, keep them out of your child’s ears. Drop offs and exchanges can be incredibly stressful for children in split homes. Your custody swap is not the time to settle disputes. Either do that behind closed doors or over the phone when you are sure the kids cannot hear. Every time you throw out insults at each other or get in a fight, you are setting an example for your child of how adults treat each other. If you know your ex is not going to abide by this standard, stand your ground and walk away. Demand that they respect your wishes to keep it civil in front of the kids. If you have a shitty ex who is vengeful and is not going to play nice, keep the face-to-face meetings to a minimum.
If things are Civil, spend time together as a family.
My former partner and I have eventually established a healthy relationship. My daughter loves when the three of us spend time together. The ex and I will never get back together. But we do make it a point to spend time with our daughter as a family. I know this is not realistic for everyone. Some of you have a co-parent that is not mature enough to do this. If you can put your grievances behind you and occasionally make this happen, it will make everything better. A few days ago, the three of us were sitting in my house (she is in kindergarten now) talking about school and taking a few moments to catch up on our crazy lives, my daughter looked at me and said, “I love you, Dad.” Without pause she looked right at her mom and said, “I love you, Mom.” It touched me deeply. She knows she has it good. That moment inspired me to write this.
It is always a little hard, doing things together. Those icky feelings never really go away, but they do evolve. My ex annoys me sometimes. I am sure I annoy her at times. But on the occasion where we do get dinner together, share a birthday moment, or spend shared time at a mutual friend’s house, my daughter is so happy. She knows she has two parents who love her. She has two parents who get along. She has two people who, despite the hardships we have caused each other, care about each other. Remember how your own family experiences influenced your own perceptions about how to raise your own family. Every decision we make as parents has a lasting impact on our children’s expectations for their own family dynamic when they become adults.
We do not fight over money
Child support payments suck. Raising kids is expensive. Money can be the most stressful part of being an adult. The child support payments are a fact of life. Deal with it. We chose to bring a child into this world so our finances are going to be tested. We set up a joint checking account that we can transfer money into to cover little things like haircuts and school supplies. I don’t make the assumption that my child support payments cover all of these expenses. Honestly, I am sure my kiddo’s mom bears more of the financial burden than I do. She spoils my kid with all kinds of wonderful experiences kids should get to have. So, when she asks for help, I don’t complain, I put my kid first and I pay up. My child deserves the best in life.
We decided to be frugal with how we dress our daughter. We are fortunate to have an amazing network of friends that give us newer quality hand me downs. We don’t buy the expensive designer shoes. We shop for her at thrift stores. We are blessed with two sets of grandparents who step up to help with childcare.
I know this is a very real struggle for some people. I don’t have much advice to give because our situation has been pretty easy in this regard. If this is a problem for you and your co-parent, try to talk about it. I know we want the best for our kids and for some people this means showering them with expensive clothes and toys. If money is a major point of contention, try to have an open, judgement free conversation about it. But also be willing to stand your ground with your expectations.
Set boundaries when new love arrives
If we are doing things right following a separation, we are spending time working on being a better version of ourselves. Doing work to improve our life is key to raising a well-adjusted child and it is a component in having a successful co-parenting relationship. Improving yourself also has other benefits. People notice and it raises your attractiveness. The higher you can raise your own personal qualities, the higher quality people you are going to attract in your life. At some point, companionship again will become something we want.
Remember how dysfunctional the previous relationship was? That is a scenario you want to avoid experiencing again. The biggest way that you can avoid this is to know what you want in a partner and to be a reflection of those standards yourself. If you are not emotionally healthy and do not have a good relationship with yourself, don’t put yourself out there. We need to love ourselves to have a successful relationship. Dating is fun, scary, and exciting. It is easy to let emotions drive our decisions when in the heat of it all. You have a kid, so it is very important that their needs are a part of your decision making process. Take your time, be picky. A new partner is going to be an important part of your child’s life. So make sure that this new person is going to be a good influence on your child. Really spend some time with this person to figure out if they understand the responsibility of being in a relationship with a child.
I have had a few relationships since my divorce. Out of respect for those people, I will keep my personal experiences out of this article. It is fair to say, it is not easy to navigate maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship and a new romantic relationship. You share two things with your ex that you don’t with your new partner, a child and a history. If you are fortunate enough to have a good relationship with your ex, it is going to be confusing and uncomfortable for the new flame in your life. Set some boundaries. Discuss how your ex and your new partner feel about the situation. If your ex comes around or calls too often, set a boundary. If your new partner is weird about the relationship with your ex, explain your priorities in co-parenting and let them know you are willing to set some reasonable boundaries for their benefit. Your kid should be the primary focus, but your ex’s and your partner’s feelings are important too. Having a good relationship with your ex for your child’s sake is an admirable quality. The alternative should be a major red flag for your new partner. Talk about it. Be open about it. And remember your ex does not need to be a part of your new relationship. This is an area I personally need some growth in.
If you experience a breakup, try not to bring all of those hard feelings into your child’s experience. Remember, you are setting an example to them in how adults treat each other. Keep the fights out of their view. And if it doesn’t work out, go back to the beginning of this article and re-read the part about working on yourself. Become a better person for yourself and for your kid. Work hard to get over your feelings so you can be present and showing love to your child. They are likely also upset that this person they grew to love has left their life and they need you.
It is a process
The path of successful co-parenting is not easy. It is a process that will need continual adjustment and improvisation. If you think you have all the answers, you are probably not doing it well. Stay open minded. If you have a terrible relationship with your ex, your children will suffer as a result. If it has been years since your split, turning back the clock and getting a fresh start will be difficult. I have known parents who for years were at odds with each other, but have found their way to a healthy situation. It can be done. It will take both of you to pull it off. But you can play your part in it right now and rise above the petty squabbles. If you are sincere about wanting to change things, ask your ex if they are willing to figure out how to make it all work better. Every good parent wants their children to have better lives. With any luck they are open to working on their own co-parenting skills. If you are both able to put in the work to do it, your children will be blessed.
John Cecil is a professional life coach, father, avid outdoor enthusiast, kayak builder, blogger, writer, and future men’s retreat organizer. His life mission is to continue to grow in profound ways and be an inspiration to help others along their paths to discover their limitless potential for happiness.
